Boredom, your worst enemy
by Trishata96
Summary: When Cortez drops off Shepard and the gang into the hotspot of the day, what does he do to amuse himself while they're off running and gunning? The Kodiak sits there locked up tight until they get back, and he's sure not off exploring the local wildlife. Kmeme prompt.
1. Chapter 1

**The Prompt: When Cortez drops off Shepard and the gang into the hotspot of the day, what does he do to amuse himself while they're off running and gunning? The Kodiak sits there locked up tight until they get back, and he's sure not off exploring the local wildlife. So meme, I ask you: what is Cortez doing in there?**

" Okay would you rather have sex with Vega or kiss Traynor?" Came Joker's voice over the comms. Cortez paused in what he was doing and pondered.

"I'd rather Kiss Traynor. Vega is a bit too much in love with himself for my tastes. That and he doesn't treat Kodiak's properly."

"Hmmm... Good point, there's no way in hell that I'd trust him flying. I'd rather trust you flying drunk." Cortez heard Joker lean back in his seat. Steve just returned his concentration to his little project.

"I'll take that as a compliment. My turn. Would you rather do 50 press ups or go without your cap for a week?" There was a long silence then Joker spoke:

"Damn it Steve. You are a cruel man... 50 press ups without a doubt. Nobody takes my cap even if it means I end up with broken bones. If you had to make out with a bloke on the ship, who'd it be? Garrus or Alenko." Cortez chuckled at the easy question.

"The Major all the way. I have no idea how to kiss a Turian and the Major is quite the piece of eye candy. Especially his 'asset'." There was laughter from the comm, then Joker's voice turned serious.

"You better make sure Shepard doesn't hear you say that. Especially since Kaidan's 'asset' is her 'asset'"

"Shame, I've seen many a man checking out the Major. He's quite handsome. Why do all the good looking men have to be already taken, straight or married?" Steve paused to double check his handiwork. So far the colours were alright and it was in the right shape, now came the tricky part.

"Oh Alenko's taken definitely. Can't say anything about straight though." Now that peeked Cortez's attention.

"What do you mean Joker?"

"His flag flies in both directions, Steve. Found out during a game of I've Never. Surprised us all. Though unfortunately for you, he's as faithful as a puppy."

"Hey, he makes the Commander happy, she makes him happy. You could tell there was a storm cloud above both of their heads after the coup. They didn't know what to do with each other." Steve paused to curse as he knocked some materials off his console. He stooped over in his seat to pick them up.

"I suppose so, that and I get my best inspiration from them." Steve sighed.

"Joker I'm pretty sure that the Commander and the Major will not appreciate you spying on them so you can get ideas for your Kink Meme stories. Didn't they threaten to jettison you out of the airlock on the old Normandy?"

"Oh they'll never follow though on it. So what are you making this time? I've nearly finished mine." Asked Joker as Steve completed his project.

"I've done mine. Hang on let me get it on screen." Cortez brought up the visual feed. Joker's face appeared, tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth in concentration as moved his hands. The Normandy's pilot then held up what was meant to be a scarf but seemed more like a tangle of orange wool.

"Okay I've shown you mine, let's see yours..." Cortez raised his eyebrows suggestively and Joker cringed. "You know what I mean!" Smiling Cortez held up the massive pink jumper he'd knitted for Vega. He'd certainly had had the time. As the saying went, boredom was your worst enemy at times.

**Do not ask, I just went for crack rating 11 on this. Plus it seems like something both of our lovely pilots would do.**


	2. Chapter 2

**This was meant to be a one shot but... ah what the hell!**

"Aww come on!" Muttered Joker as Cortez's Chryssalid eagerly ate one of Joker's soldiers and implanted an egg into the unfortunate bugger. Steve just laughed at his misfortune.

"Not my fault you're a terrible tactician. Well, looks like Vega will become a Zombie soon then a mommy." Cortez surveyed the battle field. Joker's team was truly in disarray. Vega, the heavy weapons guy, had just been eaten. The Sniper, Garrus, had been on the receiving end of a Elite Muton. Wrex had been introduced to the Chryssalid a mere five turns ago, shortly after a Psi-trooped named Liara had been incinerated. Joker had two psi-soliders left. Shepard and Kaidan.

"I am so telling Shepard that you killed her with glee."

"No, she'll hit you for getting her and her lover killed." Retorted Cortez as he moved the Sectoid Commander into a flanking position, ready to assault Kaidan's rear flank. He then moved the Elite Muton up, closer to Shepard. Steve just had to laugh at how Joker had customised Vega, Kaidan and Shepard to look like their namesakes. "Your turn."

There was a growl from Joker as he analyzed the pile of shit he was in. Shepard and Kaidan were pinned down. He glanced at the timer in the corner of the screen slowly ticking down. Quickly he made his attacks and let out a whoop of delight as the Muton went down.

"Hook, line and sinker." Came the last three damning words from Cortez as the Sectoid Commander was moved out of the fog of war and into Joker's view. The Sectoid glowed as it used a Psi move.

"Oh shit shit shit!" Chanted Joker as the Commander was taken over, turned around and shot Kaidan dead. "What the shit? No. NOO! You indoctrinated Shepard! You bastard!" Cortez couldn't help but laugh with glee at Joker's panicked voice as he ordered the Chryssalid to say hello to Commander Shepard.

"Damn you Steve! You have doomed the galaxy, doomed it! The Reapers will slaughter us now!" Trust Joker to be a drama queen. When Joker had calmed down and Steve had stopped sniggering, he asked something.

"Up for round two Mr. Moreau?"

"Only if I get to play as the aliens." Replied Joker sulkily. Cortez happily agreed, it was all the more satisfying when he decimated Joker's Alien team without losing any of his troops. Soon there was only TIM, the Thin man, left who was pretty much over killed by Commander Shepard with her Psi abilities.

"Round three?" Suggested Cortez, there was no reply from Joker as he's cut off the comm, so he could sulk in privacy of his cockpit no doubt.

**For those who don't know, Cortez and Joker are playing X-Com Enemy Unknown.**


End file.
